Finding My Voice

I mentioned in an earlier post that I’ve recently ended a relationship. The decision was mine and although a difficult one, it was definitely the right one for me. When I first met him, I was just finally reaching a place in my life where I was embracing myself and all of my flaws. I was learning so much about myself that I had never discovered because I’ve spent much of my life battling bouts of depression and wavering in and out of emotionally tumultuous relationships. So meeting someone so kind and loving was refreshing. However, I just couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right.

One of the things I have always struggled with is saying no. Saying no to friends, family, men. I’ve always felt like if someone asked me out then I should say yes because he asked and therefore I should at least oblige him for dinner, or coffee, or whatever. It’s this kind of thinking that has many women struggling, still, to learn how to assert themselves. Finally, after graduating from college and living on my own for a few years, I’m just beginning to learn that I don’t need to say yes to anyone unless I actually want to.

They say your twenties is a time to be selfish but I don’t necessarily think that’s true. I don’t have a problem with young people getting married or committing to relationships as long as it’s for the right reasons. However, I don’t feel like I ever had a chance to be truly selfish growing up. I didn’t get to make decisions solely for myself because I was too busy considering other people’s feelings/dealing with the aftermath of expressing myself. And now that I’m finally learning how to do that, I need this time to myself to explore and search for what I want. And I need to say no when things don’t feel right. That’s what this time is really for. Finding my voice when I’ve silenced it for so long.

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